I really like it! I want to turn it into a song.

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"Gerard, Gerard, there's something in the tent Gerard!" LMAO Jen! We are win.


"I a-love you."
"WHAT?"
"A-what?"
Lmao Aym! Gotta love the sketches.

Ah - but then it would be too much like the original, original... or something.
Thank you!

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the most delicious one~ ♥

Hello there

Firstly, thank you and welcome to the *Writers-Workshop! I think I am right in saying this is the first time you have entered, and I hope you will continue to do so. The idea of the workshop is to not only produce writings, but encourage advanced critique.

As a whole I felt the piece got better as you went along. The first stanza is very weak and I feel it could do with some strong revising. The poem as a whole struggles to break into poetic language, and still reads like prose. So although this is a metamorphosis from prose to poetry, it feels the transition is not entirely complete.

This first verse to me feels is lacks originality. When I read poetry I like to find things that are unique and different, and unfortunately this feels like something very generic. It feels like you have a good idea, but perhaps struggles to start the poem? You could consider reworking this completely and try and transform the images into something more poetic (how else could you describe this moment? the feelings behind?). First verses, like first paragraph in prose, need to hook the reader, get them interested and curious about what the poem has to offer. Keep this in mind also.

For me, you poem starts its strength in the second verse. I really like the Fingertips against the glass… start of it and this actually creates a nice poetic image. I would consider cutting out the words in brackets as they are unnecessary because the fingertips lines create this image already without having to tell it literally to the reader. In poetry, sometimes you can be more abstract instead of directing the reader to the exact, leaving lines to be interpreted and understood on another level than reading the face value.

The third verse, I would take away the parentheses and ellipses’ and make this a verse without them. I understand you are trying to show this is a hidden, personal thought, so why not consider italics instead? This will make the verse look much tidier and readable. Is this also a change in the narrative?

Fourth verse- This kind of reminds me of the same problems you face in the first verse, it does read as weak as the first, but it alsmot feels like what you want to create doesn’t quite come out in words. I would again consider how to describe poetically.

The remaining parts felt for me that you didn’t quite know where to finish and kind of dragged the point the narrator wants to make out. Sometimes in poetry it can really help to remember that less can be more, and maybe finishing on the fourth verse could being this piece into strength. The camera never lies is a nasty cliché and kind of dents your efforts by finishing with it.

As a whole I see here a poem that has potential. I think you can go back to the original prose and maybe try and find the character in it. Show her in this poem. In the prose you have this excellent paragraph describing her (They say she’s famous; a cruel intention.) and I think you need to bring this out into the poem too. I hope you revise this, as I think it could grow in strength.

Good luck!

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*Writers-Workshop

Scriptwriting Month- it’s here!

Hullo ^^
Yes, it is my first Workshop, and I’m sure I shall be participating more in the future.
Firstly, thank you very much for your great critique – it’s really helpful and encouraging. I appreciate the time and thought you put into it, and I am definitely going to take all your advice on board whilst revising it.
I agree that the poetic-feel is lacking from it; poetry is not something I’ve really properly tried before, so it has got that prose-ish edge. Hopefully when I revise it, I can make the full transition to poetic style, and the whole poem will feel a lot more comfortable.
I shall look back at the prose again, using your critique, and see what I can do.
Again, thank you!

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the most delicious one~ ♥

I like this a lot better as poetry, but that may be because it's newer! The really choppy transistions that I saw in the original seem to be gone, with one exception; I agree with Beccalicious when she suggests cleaning up the third verse. It's a little too isolated, and breaks the flow of the poem. Good work on the whole thing, though, I enjoyed it, and I know how hard it can be to write poetry when you're used to prose.

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Yes, adequately disturbing.

No worries it was a pleasure and I really enjoyed reading and critiquing this.

I have a habit of making my poetry a bit prosey too and one of the things I found helped me was not only reading more poetry but experimenting and trying new things. You might find in time it comes more naturally with experience.

Take care xxx

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*Writers-Workshop

Scriptwriting Month- it’s here!

Hi angel-in-pieces,

I wonder what process of metamorphosis was used in this piece.

Becca is right in saying that this is not really a poem, because it offers too many explanations; the language is not tight enough; cliches abound.

The crux of the poem for me is the way the narrator (N) constantly iterates the perceived difference between "you" and "I", and then ultimately they are the same. (By the way, I don't think you need "that I am you/ and you are me" which is very obvious.)

This meaning of the poem comes through the few images employed. In the prose version, I liked:

"Our fingerprints are the same, but my prints stay strong whilst hers fade."

In the poem, these lines stood out for me:

"Fingertips against the glass
the cracks begin to s p r e a d
and reaching back"

Since you say that poetry is not your forte, I suggest working through images. Put all your effort into finding the right pictures for your meaning -- and these can be pictures of sound, taste, smell, tough or sight.

You can do so much with the trope of the fingers. E.g. "Fingers spread like a c r a c k in a glass/mirror". I used your own spacing with a different word, because "crack" has five letters, like the five fingers of a hand.

It's just a suggestion to demonstrate what possibilities there are in language, or at least, poetic language. You seem like the dedicated kind, so I'm sure you'll figure out what you want to do with this poem.

Thank you for participating in the workshop,

Aditi

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Literature Gallery Moderator

For Writers: Resource Central: Part One | Resource Central: Part Two

Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it. ^^
Yes, the ' poetic feel ' isn’t quite there – I agree that the third verse interrupts the flow.
I’ll try to sort that out when I revise it.

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the most delicious one~ ♥

Hi Aditi, and thank you very much for your critique! Your suggestions are helpful, and I shall use them whilst revising the poem.
I agree; working through images would make it stronger and bring it to life more; there’s currently not that much depth behind the words. I’ll focus on this when revising it; I should be able to post a revised (and hopefully improved) version soon!

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the most delicious one~ ♥